For me, my life has always been about fear. I was raised in a family where fear of my father was the prime motivator for most of what we did. When I figured out that I wasn't really attracted to any of the boys at school, I was afraid that there was something wrong with me. When I figured out that my attraction to my best friend, Jenny, was something more than "normal" friendship, I was always afraid that she would find out and hate me. Fear became such a normal part of my life that I never really thought that there was anything wrong with it. I just kind of figured that it was the way life was. That is, until I went away to college.

I will never forget my first day on campus. I took one of the campus tours my first day of orientation so that I could get to know where everything was. When we passed the entrance to the Student Union, there it was, larger than life. In the second story windows hung a huge banner that read "Lesbian Union". I noticed the snickering in my tour group, and was careful not to stare too long at it. I don't think I saw another thing for the rest of the tour, however. That sign held the entirety of my attention for a long time after that.

It took me well over a month to actually visit the office. At first, I would find an excuse to visit another office on the hall at least once a day, so that I could walk past it. I never looked directly at it as I passed, and my fear was palpable as I took the exactly 8 steps required to pass by. Each time, however, nothing happened to me, and my courage mounted.

When I finally made up my mind to get over myself and go in, it was quite an undertaking. I had it all planned out. I would drop something when I came to the top of the stairs by the office, and look around as I was picking it up. I would wait until there was nobody in the hall to see me going in. The first time, a guy who was coming up the stairs behind me stopped to help me. I about had a heart attack, and ran back down the stairs at top speed. By my third attempt, however, I went in.

When I got there, I had no idea what to do. The woman at the desk just looked up and asked if she could help me with anything. I couldn't even open my mouth to answer her. She introduced herself, showed me around, and told me that I could just hang out on one of the couches and study or do homework or whatever. I remember being surprised that she didn't ask me if I was a Lesbian before I would be allowed to stay. Thinking back, I am glad that she didn't. I probably would have denied it and run away. Instead, however, I stayed, and came back. I even abandoned my ritual at the stairway after a week or so. I made some friends, but mostly just observed. I was amazed that people could be so "normal", and still be gay. I was also stunned by the lack of fear. It struck me as overwhelming that people could just be so open about their lives. It made me start to question my own.

Towards the end of the semester, one of the women living on my floor saw me leaving the office as she was coming out of one across the hall. She smiled and said hi, and quickly started up a conversation. When she asked me, as was inevitable, if I was gay, my heart stuck in my throat. In that split second, I saw clearly the choice before me: fear or truth. I decided that it was time to break the pattern of fear, and simply said, "Yes, I am." I've been saying it ever since. My whole world didn't change into a bed of roses afterwards, but I took a step. Nowadays, there is more truth than fear in me, and I wouldn't have it any other way.

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